What you must know about marriage

Marriage is a sacred bond between two individuals. It is the first and foremost relationship, the most intimate and pivotal one, elucidated clearly in the Islamic teachings, Allah  makes sures to tell us about the weight of this contract.

In the words of Dr. Yasir Qadhi:

‘Marriage is the single most important decision of your life, it either makes you or breaks you.’

But before marriage even, it is important for us to understand our own selves, become individuals of meaning before forming a sacred bond into a sanctified union.

The following is a guide for what you must have a comprehensive knowledge of, before getting married, this article is specifically crafted for South Asian – Pakistani Muslim youth as well as for all Muslim community in general. Hence, I’ll focus on many points and key problems which are unique to Pakistani families and their dynamics. And let’s be real, we have some really fascinating mechanisms, so let’s dig in:

1) Knowledge of the Self

This is also known as ‘Fiqh An Nafs’ the understanding of your own self. This includes understanding our purpose, our connection to the Divine, our responsibility as the Khalifah of Allah on earth and our duty to fulfill that role in whatever diverse form Allah Ta’ala has chosen for us. It includes knowing our weaknesses and strengths. Having ‘sacred authenticity صدق’ with our own selves and cultivating a good relationship with our selves first, which requires respecting our own values, responsibilities and showing up for them. It means having a keen understanding of our diseases such as addictions of all kinds, in which I include social Media as a prime one. If you’re addicted to reels and doomscrolling without any checks or moral remorse then how do you expect someone to accompany you while you stay addicted? If you’re addicted to overeating, destructive habits then there’s definitely something wrong. If your moral values, choices, values and beliefs are shaped by newest social media trends and external pressures, peer pressure or the consumeristic new world order approach, how will you ever cultivate independence of thought? It will be sure, that you, as a slave of all these vices couldn’t care less and will eventually unify with  a subjected mindset holder too. Hence, it is important to cultivate true freedom which comes with detachment to the world, towards the very basis of Islam, the Kalimah of Touheed and the teachings of the Beloved ﷺ. Furthermore, self knowledge contains conscious action and betterment, defeating the Nafs, finding healing against ailments like comparison, self doubt and various trauma based and otherwise- cognitive, psychological and spiritual ailments, imbalances and tendencies. These are the first key steps to take, for which you must heal and rise, through spiritual practices, mental & physical therapies and exercises as well as clinical treatments.

Dr. Marwa Assars book: The Compass: HEART is an excellent book, stepping towards a secured self.

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2) The Understanding of Marriage:

Marriage I reiterate in the words of Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan, is a sacred bond whose soul purpose is attaining peace and tranquility between the two partners so they can cultivate the best of themselves, to fulfill their obligation not just towards each other, but towards their own selves and their purpose of life. Ustadh personally reccomeneded to us once:

‘All Muslim youth must read two Surahs before getting married: Surah Talaq and Surah Nur’

And so, in the process of learning about marriage I embarked on the journey to go through Surah Talaq which was absolutely phenomenal. I can’t think of any aspect about marriage, its societal and psychologica;l which are not discussed in the discourse of this Surah. You can access Surah Talaq on www.Bayyinah.tv – its about 15 episodes. You must also read Surah Nur and get a comprehensive understanding of marriage, its goals, process, dynamics related to law, mahr, spiritual, worldly and I’d say (hearty) side of it too. I wanted to quote some rock solid quotes from Surah Talaq here:

‘Emotional Maturity is a pre-requisite to the Qur’an’

In marriage you think of Allah and your relationship with him as priority: where is it being violated, it it bad for you spiritually? Or it is good for you spiritually?

‘I cannot be in this marriage and be a good slave of Allah’ if this feeling persists, there should be some fixations and redirections.

‘I can’t compromise what’s temporary with that what’s permanent and that’s my decision and relationship with Allah Ta’ala.’

‘You’re marrying this person because he is going to deal with the worst of you.’ So present to him/her the most authentic person of yourself.

‘There is no normal family, any situation with Allah’s guidance (Quran and Sunnah of RasulAllah ﷺ), you can make normal.’

Other than this,

I strongly recommend reading or going through at least once (Kitab Un Nikah) of any of our Hadith books, to attain a fine, comprehensive and delicate understanding of true meaning, processes and purpose of marriage. What’s most beautiful about RasulAllah ﷺ’s guidance through his Seerah and Hadith is that, going through them we practically learn to interact, deal, cope, actualize and internalize different situations that arise for us and how to uniquely tackle them with mercy, beauty, depth, contentment, trust and belief.

If I could write each Hadith of RasulAllah ﷺ’s guidance to us on marriage and then quote their explanations here, it would be an overflowing treasure of wisdom, love and light. I’ll mention a few of my favorite Ahadith of RasulAllah ﷺ about marriage here:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers. (Sahih Al Bukhari: 5090)

This Hadith applies to men and women alike. Our Hadith Shaykh who lovingly taught us this Hadith stressed how RasulAllah ﷺ commanded us to look for religion. Which doesn’t mean you begin checking someone’s piety, for hearts are only in the Hands of Allah. But just to see where Allah Ta’ala is, in the eyes of this person. The basics of religiosity are prayers, Zakat and fasting, are they being done? Does this person seek sincerity when it comes to Allah. Does he posess ‘Sacred authenticity’ (Sidq), truthfulness, uprightness and moral integrity? Are their values and compass of heart are directed to Allah? That’s what we have to look for, for each of us is a sinner and we all sin in different ways. Its just about possessing ‘sincerity’ and that ‘will’ of righteousness.

Another point to note is that, this Hadith doesn’t mean that you find someone financially not stable enough but get married solely looking at his religion. Rather, the best is that if you can combine all of these four elements in some way shape or form, then do so. And in search for finding excellence in all these elements make sure that the element of religion stands out first and foremost, make sure its your priority to look for.

Hencewhy in another Hadith Rasul ﷺ said:

Abu Hatim Al-Muzani narrated that:

The Messenger of Allah said: “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry (her to) him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and discord (Fasad). If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and discord (Fasad).” They said: “O Messenger of Allah! What if there was something about him?” He said: “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry him.” (And he (pbuh) said this) three times. (Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1085)

Also, while the following point is related to the culminations of marriage processes – it is a another strikingly awakening Hadith to mention:

Aishah narrated that:

The Messenger of Allah said: “Publicize this marriage, and hold it in the Masjid, and beat the Duff for it.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1089)

Umar RA says, that Rasul ﷺ said: The best marriage is the one that is most easy. (Sunan Abi Dawud 2117)

I’d loved to compile all Kitab Un Nikah lectures by our Beloved Hadith Shaykh, Dr. Ali Tariq, but for now, a suggestion to visit his page and learn firsthand:

🔗: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLaFWDK9pOTzjFtnyrTLeRt8hlZ7HeKXI&si=h-W0Vy6xHZ-ErKVS

🔗 Read more on purpose of marriage:

Handbook of Healthy Muslim Marriage, Abdul Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera.

3) On how to find the right one and the courting-vetting process

The most scariest of all conquests is this part, even if you prepare so well theoretically. Yes, it is hard to find someone who truly aligns with you, but trust me, not only the process of searching is beneficial for your own building, self esteem, life’s direction and strength; it is worth it, at the end, it is a bittersweet amalgamation of test and trial, yearning, hope, learning to trust Allah’s Qadr and then finding true contentment with the provision that’s written for you. The whole of this process is worth it, trust me. There are thousands of inner beauties which can explored in depth about the intricacies of this process, lets focus for now on the systemic steps to make sure this stage gets easier for us.

Lay down a set of your non negotiables in a coloumn, a set of your desired traits (must haves) and a set of (bonus) traits in your potential spouse. Make sure you are firm in your understanding of your families’s dynamics, your own personality, goals, futures and the your vision of life when you chart this down. Be specific, be practical but be extremely hopeful and positive too. Make sure you have multiple plans A,B,C,D which you would want to pursue for your future, be structured but be flexible as well. One of dearest mentors shoutout to my Palestinian sweetheart, she said to me if you find 70-80% of your desired traits, charactistics and vision of your life then go for it.

She read me a quote from one book where two women are discussing on which kind of a person to look for, and the girl in her delicate eloquence remarks: The one who is kind, kind to the creation of God. To the little child, the birds, the trees… the one who brings light when he enters the room.

I’d add, make sure you have intellectual compatibility (if not fully then at least of some sort with each other), your values align and its someone who truly inspires you. Someone with whom you have a genuine reason from the heart to stick with. Also make sure its a person who matches your vision, you build a mission statement with them firstly and then after, come the details of knowing each other in secondary life matters.

My Palestinian sweetheart sent me a list of questions to ask and I’ll add them here:

1. What are your key expectations from your partner?

2. What do you believe to be your responsibilities towards your partner?

3. What are some things you would not compromise on, in a marriage?

4. When you have to make a very important decision, how do you go about making it? Who are some people you make sure to involve in your decision-making process?

5. How do you manage your day-to-day tasks at home/ or if you live away for studies/work, then how does your day look like?

6. Who (if any) are some religious scholars that you enjoy listening to, and engage with the work of, regularly?

7. What are some general subjects (outside of your field) that interest you?

8. Who (if any) are some authors/speakers you enjoy reading/listening to, on subjects that interest you outside of your field?

9. What are your interests and hobbies?

10. Do you especially make time for your hobbies & interests, or do you just engage with them whenever you have time on your hands?

11. Would you be okay with a wife who does a job/studies – and how would you support a working/studying wife?

12. How do you expect your wife to support you as a working man?

13. What are some aspects in life that you believe each spouse should have healthy boundaries in?

14. What are some decisions that you believe a husband should make for his wife?

I’ll add some more questions which I accumulated through a course of series and lectures:

• What are your red-flags that you can’t ignore?
• How is your involvement in the community? How do you embody civic values?
• What are your privacy expectations?
• If there is a conflict between me/us and your parents, how do you expect to resolve it?
• What do you think about accessing each other’s devices/phones/digital accounts?
• How do you view the world and world politics?
• What do you think about the BDS movement?
• Are you involved in interest with your finances of any sort?
• Do you have debt of any sort?
• How do you expect fo navigate conflict between us two?
• How do you manage stress?
• How would you want to be comforted?
• Definitions of love languages & attachment styles
• Knowing Husband/wife’s rights on marriage
• How do you want me to interact with your family? Your advice, guidance to cultivate a relationship with them as well as discussing inner and outer family core dynamics, roles and expectations.
• How do you respond to life’s challenges?
• How do you handle criticism?
• How do you view your potential to change and improve?
• Ask about a goal they didn’t reach and give them constructive feedback to see how they respond to it.
• Talk about how they’re working on spirituality and what they wish to better
• How do you plan, schedule and execute things?
• What are your sources of entertainment?

(Very important one: because a person is known by what he consumes as in the Hadith of RasulAllah ﷺ ‘A man is who he accompanies, so let each of you look into whom you accompany’ – I also heard from Dr. Syeda Arfa Zahra once that a person’s character is known by the thing/point upon which he laughs, and I cannot stress this enough, make sure you know what kind of reels/content the other person is in-taking, what kinds of people they follow and engage with + ‘how’ do they engage with them?)

• Tell about friends circle, your social life.
• How do you spend your free time/me time?
• How do you celebrate? What’s festivity for you?
• What makes you angry or sad?
• Your expectations from me to treat your family
• Your weaknesses/points of improvement
• Who to get help from if an issue arises/counsel between us

Talk about:

Religion, Character, Akhlaaq, culture, finance, travel, space (boundaries), roles and responsibilities, education, career, kids, kids education.

I’ll add links to learn what to look for and how to go by the vetting process down below:

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🔗: https://youtu.be/I3aPZ6-gf64?si=FEJt9d3gZByRVTG-

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4) Men & Women – Relationship building

This is an interesting and a never ending path of learning. Learning to understand the opposite gender, learning to understand the ways of interaction, communication, psyches, mental approaches, needs, behaviors and thoughts, this requires a deep look into psychological as well as physiological, biological building of both men and women.

It also requires the understanding of the goal of marriage and its ultimate meaning for the both. Zahra, from ‘The Mazaj’ states beautifully about marriage:

If you ask me, it’s a growth of character in the direction of the divine. Both require self-transcendence. Each of us have a unique set of temperamental obstacles that prevent us from that kind of success. Perhaps for me it’s arrogance, self-doubt, debilitating, anxiety, callousness, or a lack of discipline. These are serious problems. Problems capable of determining the limits of a life. Problems you want to resolve. I believe a marriage, interestingly enough, is the most effective place to solve them.

She has extensive essays on marriage and its alike on her publication: The Mazaj:

🔗 https://open.substack.com/pub/themazaj/p/from-half-to-whole-why-marriage-has?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2m81ng

Read more on love, its power and its impact on the lives of the two souls who chose to bond together with each other. I’ll quote and link the articles down below:

This is why the right gaze, the right conversation, can change you down to the grain. Emotional heat loosens the architecture of the self, and in the presence of someone who sees you vividly, the molten structure reforms around their image of you. What remains afterwards is stronger, different, marked by the shape of their attention. Attention becomes anchor; identity reshapes in response to their rhythms, their gaze. Perhaps this is why the right presence can feel like destiny: whole inner continents, hidden selves and latent worlds, begin to surface, shaping you into someone you hadn’t yet met.

🔗: https://open.substack.com/pub/velvetnoise/p/some-parts-of-you-only-emerge-for?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2m81ng

Love is transformative and entirely powerful. The presence of the other person builds you, of that presence is a heartful one. So read on love, carrying and building love all along. Also note down that at the end of the day, marriage is just conversations. So make sure you choose to marry someone you’d fly high in ecstacy to engage and conversate with.

Marriage as a long conversation – When marrying you should ask yourself this question: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman into your old age? Everything else in a marriage is transitory, but most of the time that you’re together will be devoted to conversation.

Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human: A Book for Free Spirits

Other books and articles to read:

Come here go away – On Dynamics of relationship building

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,

Spousal Communication skills

The surrendered wife

What men and women should know about each other Yasir Qadhi on YouTube: His series:

Like a garment: https://youtu.be/Jf6B4xk3kcI?si=vrCefhLpkCBGRHnw

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Spousal Communication skills Sh. Yasir Birjas: https://youtu.be/w1T0W3ve_KA?si=VWjmHoNn006UGa3J

Bonus:

Make sure you know a thing or two about various psychological game plays and their actualizations: existence of narcissistic traits, manipulations, boundary violations, love bombing, flirting, and unhealthy relationship traits – to avoid and learn to handle them well.

Bonus plus:

Read on building love, which comes by repeated patterns of giving someone emotional availablity, selective attention by your own choice. Kaatib Yusuf writes well on how that chemistry is built, where, how and when to unleash and where to unlock it, for rightful righteous reasons and avoiding the otherwise.

🔗 https://open.substack.com/pub/kaatibyuusuf/p/how-you-actually-end-up-falling-in?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2m81ng

Men: Building attraction, respect, romance and chemistry with your spouse. There is brilliant short video lectures by Shahrez Muslim on Youtube for learning aboht Men and Women attraction cycles and more.

🔗 https://youtu.be/ifCatrlVsh8?si=XwcWQAS4Lfc7zBw6

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On Sex Education:

🔗: Prohibitions of Intimacy Shaykh YQ: https://youtu.be/Bb8p6idwiuQ?si=J_pVzDOvGQhGmOmR

Book by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari: Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations

5) Marriage is about giving:

We live in the age of consumerism. So we view our potential spouses unfortunately with predatory lens: What kind of fulfilment and how much of it can they give me?

Whether it be a fulfilment of physical desires, to the fulfilment of prestige, money, fame or any other voids we carry. Know that we as individuals have failed to become people of giving as we have grown up being hyper individualized and demanding. We are not like our mothers and fathers, our grandparents and the elders who were the epitome of giving. And this is a deadly verge to stand on. We need to cultivate generosity, patience, empathy and compassion. The easiest thing a person can do is quit. But striving to build each other and build together is what marriage is. Make sure its not blandly transactional and superficial. Rozie Naz writes well on this:

🔗 https://open.substack.com/pub/rozienaz/p/discursive-transactionalisation-of?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2m81ng

6) On Some Brown family mentality:

We love Islam, but only in the sweet picturesque side of it, or a romanticized version of it in some selective parts of our lives. Common brown families do not experience Islam, neither do they make effort (or find it important) to introduce and implement Islam as a ‘Moral Ethos’ in their social lives. This is the secularization of Islam in our family systems. Islam is only for the spiritual side and it must never come to the social, moral side. Especially when it comes to marriage. Our desires for the potential partners are so westernized and I kid you not, we seek westernized Europeon standard of beauty when it comes to marriage. On top of it, our engagement to the whole process is highly influenced by Hindu and new world order’s consumerism culture, with all these parties, fancies to dresscodes to rituals. And while this is all a tangent to Islamic principles, Desi moms and dads don’t bother, and I empathize and understand their frames of reference, for they have spent struggling lives giving the next generation a better one. But this generation instead of understanding better, have fallen into far worse expectations and tantrums with marriage as a whole. The standards of marriage we carry are extremely worldly, hollow and superficial. They showcase our hunger, disalignment of inner compasses, decline of morality and righteous moral will.

Another point to add is the lack of tolerance we suffer from. Anyone who knows me, knows how much of an embassador I am, of a mediocre simple Islam, encompassing greatest values for tolerance and acceptance for one another. Our RasulAllah ﷺ is the most greatest example and I say the only true originator of this example. The love, acceptance and liberty He ﷺ gave to others is the apex that none in humanity can reach. His easiness and interaction of gentleness is what then opened doors of moral education and conscious building of others. But first, it was acceptance and kindness. He set the loftiest example for us yet we have fallen from that tolerance to the most cruelest biases, stereotypes and prejudices against one another.

Brown families often look for beauty, money and prestige when it comes to marriage, forgetting the far higher element which is needed.

Dr. Ali Tariq says:

For me, the implementation of the Prophet’s ﷺ teachings and Qur’anic codes of conduct is a necessity and binding. And for others, I will find every excuse which Islam presents if they, for some reason don’t follow those rulings yet.

When it comes to basic Islamic practices as Hijab, Gender interaction and boundaries, Islamic Legal rulings, Islamic wedding guidelines – Brown families lack so much education but they make sure to follow the cultural cult. If our elders couldn’t understand this niche, its our time to rise up but unfortunately we fall lower and pay no attention to the values Islam laid down for us.

Brown families have no tolerance for one another especially when it comes to bringing in Islams guidelines into play, from the trivial to the most sensitive matters. If our elders fall short in this regard, we need to learn to tolerate and give liberty to one another to express him or herself in however way he/she wants. Brown families consider it a right to subjugate a person’s personal choice and way of expressions (which is what they learnt through colonialism and European imperialism I suppose – just kidding or am I?) There is a subtle pride, arrogance and a sense of entitlement once they bring a new person into our family or even when they begin looking. They expect that person to blend in their colors and look into them with an enslavement approach, this kind of objectification is the sob story of most women youth in the process of getting married. I ask the women who suffer this tragedy to never let go off their principles, their ethos and vision. Side by side, I ask Muslim men to man up, understand marriage in the true lens of Islam, a higher purpose rather than a partner for fulfilment, fancy and fluff. Muslim men sadly don’t appear as men anymore while there are tons of good potential  young women waiting. Our men have lost their masculinity which is something that needs to be addressed, maybe sometime soon.

We need to learn to give each other space. To respect each other’s boundaries and cultivate love before we instigate change. We need to cultivate acceptance before we preach, and remain firm on moral ethos and our moral codes which Allah Ta’ala and His Rasul ﷺ laid down for us. Change demands courage and its high time we develop that inside us. And it all comes with educating ourselves and developing consciousness which is rooted in Islam. If we want global change, individuals to families is the road to take.

The views expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Opinion Desk.